What women want

By Belinda Brown

What do women want from men? Time, babies and the moon on a string. The list could go on forever, and there are probably as many different answers as there are women. But, after scrutinizing the opposite sex for an observation period lasting my entire adult life, and consulting with members of my distinguished coven, I have drawn up this list of friendly hints under the working title "George, don't do that, but please do this".

Ask Me Questions: Over dinner, in a restaurant, nothing beats a good question or two. It doesn't really matter what you ask, though "How was your day?" is generally better than "What's your name again?".

Stop Asking Questions: After you have asked enough questions, particularly the right ones, there will come a time when you should stop - when you're in bed together. "Do you mind awfully if I undo your bra?" is not sexy. The only appropriate questions are "Is that nice?" and its cognates.

'What's your name again?'
Call Me Back Straight Away: It's sure. It's decisive. It's polite. Verbose, over-worked SMSes just look keen and girly. Be a man and say it in 350 characters or don't say it at all. *Some text missing* isn't hot. Neither are emoticons. Many a blossoming relationship has been killed stone dead by them.

Don't Be Tight: When it comes to small change, taxi fares, coffee money, tips and treats, penny-pinching is a huge turn off. That said, extreme generosity early on in a relationship is scary. Lobster is for anniversaries, not the first date.

Carry My Bags: If they're heavy, please don't make a fuss about it, just do it. Low-key chivalry and high forearm extensor strength are both good. Door opening can turn into a bit of a silly gavotte ("You first!", "No, you!"), but spontaneous case-carrying works every time.

Don't Hide Your Appreciation: There is no girl alive who doesn't want praise for a new dress. Obviously the problem with involuntary physical responses is that they are involuntary, but should you find yourself, so to speak, engaged by her new outfit, then why not let her know? (This only applies to couples. Note: most of these hints, if misapplied, could result in a prison sentence, so do only try them at home.)

"No" to: Clammy hands, grunting in public, salivating into earholes, "sexy" tickling, jokes about love handles and twanging bras.

"Yes" to: A firm touch and a smooth hand, a frank attitude to nudity (that is, can walk to the bathroom without embarrassment), evident and matter-of-fact carnal enjoyment, and an attentive approach to often overlooked areas of the female body - ie, there is more to me than just the rude bits, okay?

Talk About Ex-Girlfriends: Go carefully. Too much detail and we will assume you are still hung up on them. Blanket silence and we'll assume the same. We are best satisfied with a fond little anecdote that puts her in a slightly bad light. Don't slag her roundly, however, or we will conclude that you're not quite a gentleman.

Criticism: Say what you like about my friends, my work, my flat, my table manners: go ahead and give 'em hell. I won't mind much. But my body is perfect in every way, right? Right.

And Finally: The three golden words. King Arthur's knight Gawain was sent off on a quest to find out the answer to the riddle of what women wanted, but after schlepping up and down Ye Olde High Street, he had a head-scrambling number of contradictory replies, from "kindness" to "Jimmy Choos" (or the early medieval equivalent, probably "cat gut clogs"). Finally, he bumped into a loathly lady in a magic wood who whispered three words in his ear. (I think he had to marry her first - there may be a lesson there.) Anyway, the lady may have been loathly but her words hold true today. All a woman really wants? "Her own way."